Cut Deep

Sometimes life really annoys me. 

Living at home this summer will be the ultimate test of self-control for me. Honestly it’s driving me crazy so far. My mom has been the driving force behind that crazy. 

I really wish I would have stayed in St. Paul for the summer. 

Being back here, I’m realizing some of the more probable causes for my self harm issues in high school. I don’t think it was for many of the reasons I had suspected. I know I didn’t handle my emotions 100% properly, but when your own mother is the root cause for emotional distress I think there’s a bigger issue. Sometimes I wonder if this is what emotional abuse is like. I’m glad high school is two years behind me and that I’ve been able to distance myself from a lot of the past hurt, but it’s hard to not feel similarly while I’m home. It hurts being home and knowing everything stupid I’ve done in my bedroom and for the reasons I did them. 

I know my goal of this blog is to stay positive, so here’s a little twist. 

While I’m incredibly frustrated with living at home and the expectations placed on me, I know I have less than two months left living there. Also, my nanny job began Monday – which means I spend 36 hours a week with three awesome, yet incredibly frustrating boys. I get to be away from my own house for those hours and spend time with these cool guys.  

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This summer has been full of reflection and thought. It has also been full of hope and excitement. We’ll have to see what else it will be filled with. 

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