Comparisons

Grade school and high school were really rough times in my life.

After third grade I went from the public school in my town to a Lutheran school in a town thirty minutes away. I had been bullied in my two and a half years at the public school I had attended, and my parents thought it was time for a change. At this point I had already moved several times due to my dad’s job.  I was not a huge fan of change.

I don’t remember much about my thoughts about this transition, but I know that first year there was rough. I did not have any friends from my memories and remember the girls in my class passing notes about me and I would find them in the trash.

I grew into a rough state of mind do to this. I ended up developing good friends, though. I remember constantly comparing myself to them quite frequently. I could not figure out why they had all been so mean to me at first. I thought of every possible reason I might not fit in: I was skinnier than some of them, I was smarter than some of them, I was worse at sports than most of them, my mom was a teacher, and other irrational things. Just as I was beginning to stray from these thoughts, I found out we’d be moving from Minnesota to Wisconsin that summer.

Little did I know, these thoughts would creep back into my life.

As I moved to Wisconsin, I started at a basketball camp at the high school I would be attending in the fall. I went into the camp with confidence because my favorite sport in grade school was basketball. However, I was not anywhere near the level of skill that many of the girls at the camp were at. This thought of not being good in comparison to those other girls was incredibly frustrating to me. I very quickly sunk into the habit of self-harm due to comparisons I formed against my classmates.

All through high school I struggled with forming comparisons against my teammates, classmates, and people I considered to be my role models. I honestly thought I could not succeed in anything I tried. The pattern of self-harm stayed on throughout my high school experience. While it was not always constant, it would pop up when dismal things happened.

As I have been in college, I have occasionally struggled with these negative thoughts appearing. Thankfully, I have become more aware of my support system and taken advantage of the willing support they have offered.

I am so thankful for those who have been there for me all along. Even when I did not want to acknowledge my parents and sister for their support, I have found they have become some of my greatest support. I am also so thankful for the man that has become a huge part of my life, Trevor. He has helped me out of some tough times that have popped up in college. I am also grateful for the few, strong friends that have stuck with me from high school. Even more importantly, I am so thankful to have a wonderful and loving Savior to forgive me for all of the awful thoughts and actions I did to myself.

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